This site report is going to be a little bit different because, to be honest, I can’t structure it in the way which I structured my other site reports. I don’t really want to talk about what went wrong and right but, rather, what is going on in my life and how this has affected my business.
Most people who know me online know that I had been in a relationship for nearly 4 years. That has relationship has been a large part of my online identity because I was with this person early on when I began to connect to other readers online. This month, I ended that relationship. I don’t want to go into the details of exactly what he did wrong but I would like to discuss the impact it has had on my website, business, spirituality and plans for the future.
Firstly, here are my stats for November:
Site Hits: 28,200 (+ abt. 6000 from October)
Newsletter Subscribers: 207
Facebook Likers: +13
Twitter Followers: +6
Instagram Followers: 0
Pinterest Followers: +17
Site Hits: 84,200
Newsletter Subscribers: 1307 subscribers
Facebook Likers: 207 likers
Twitter Followers: 1247 followers
Instagram Followers: 2100 followers
Pinterest Followers: 488 followers
As you can see they’re not bad and I have experienced growth since the previous month. However, the ONLY reason I did so well this month was because of SEO. I didn’t do anything special, barely posted to social media and only published two new blogposts.
The way I have been feeling hasn’t just affected my business this month, it has been something which has been going on since Divination and Fortune-Telling has been a thing. A major motivation for ending the relationship was the impact it was having on my career, confidence and ability to sleep properly.
Running a business, or even, a blog takes a lot of energy. Feeling like shit also takes up a lot of energy. Although I have achieved a lot with my website this last year, I do recognise that I am nowhere near where I planned to be this time last year and a big reason why was because I just couldn’t be bothered. I felt like I had to put so much effort into every other aspect of my life and carry all of this emotional weight that I just couldn’t push myself the way I know I am capable of.
It wasn’t all my ex boyfriend’s fault. I can see where I went wrong. One thing which really added to the deterioration of everything was my inability to talk to other people about how depressed I was. He knew I was miserable but I never once shared anything I felt with my friends, family, no one. However, the reason for this was because I didn’t want people to judge me for staying in a relationship after he did the things he did. I just wanted an easy life.
I think the ball begins to roll once people know the full extent of how shitty you feel. Once its out there in the universe, spoken into existence, there’s no going back. It was easier for me to live life day in day out the same than it was to tell people I was unhappy. Admitting problems makes them very real. Once I had eventually told one of my friends how I was feeling, that pretty much marked the beginning of the end.
Having the type of abilities I have means that I always put other people’s happiness before my own. Although my ex didn’t care enough about me to put any effort into the relationship, he was emotionally dependant on me. The guilt of potentially hurting him heavily weighed me down. I began having multiple nightmares at night, stopped eating, over exercised and my anxiety pretty much eat my alive. For the last two months the way I feel has been like a chain around my neck. Many days I have been too highly strung to work, I have just done what I have to and waited for the day to end.
In some ways although it has been difficult, this entire situation has also been a very healing experience for me. It has made me reflect on previous relationships which my exs had ended for their own reasons. One or two of those break ups I took really badly. However, I can now see why they wouldn’t want to stay in relationships they were not ready for or weren’t happy in. I now forgive them for the things they did which hurt me.
Because we were so different and didn’t want the same things, I began to feel as though I was holding my ex back. We didn’t have remotely similar personalities, interests, humour or goals. If I had continued the relationship it would have prevented him from finding someone he actually wanted to spend time with. Not only that, but I was also holding myself back.
I believe there are things which are destined. If something is not destined it is doomed for failure. You can hold the inevitable end off for months or even years but eventually it will catch up with you. The relationship was never going to work. I became aware of the fact that it was spiritually impacting other aspects of my life.
If one part of your life is out of sync or balance, it begins to affect other areas. I started to get signs that something was seriously wrong. Something in my life needed fixing. I kept suffering from general bad luck and had this feeling that I was blocked from moving forward.
For the last year, I have been seeing storks and stork symbols - symbols of major change - everywhere. In fact, it started to be bit of a bad omen because I would see them any time something negative happened between me and my ex, his family or friends. I knew the storks were a sign that soon life was going to be very different. Since I ended my relationship this has stopped and I have went back to receiving my usual positive reassurance signs from spirits.
I honestly believe our relationship was meant to be but only for the period of time it was. We both got together after break ups and having each other helped mask the pain from this. In many ways, I have also become a very different person than I was 4 years ago. He supported me growing as a person but we were compatible in ways back then we no longer are. Therefore, I am not angry at or cannot blame my ex. I take responsibility for the ways I have changed and the negative impact that had on our relationship.
Around the time we started dating, I had no drive. I didn’t even want to go for a walk. Sitting on my ass watching TV and smoking 30 a day was enough excitement for me. I would have killed for a dead end job and the odd regular meal from McDonalds. There are certain things I thought were reserved for other people so I never aimed for them. Or worst, I thought that ‘one day’ I would grow up and have experiences.
Success has changed me. I never thought I would be the type of person that would make such a statement, but here I am. It is very true that willpower is a muscle which gets stronger the more you apply yourself. Since we began our relationship 4 years ago, I’ve read hundreds of people. I have been nominated for and won awards. My articles have gone viral countless times. I have been on blogs, radio, magazines and TV in the UK, US, Australia and Russia. I have attended events, spoken at events, created courses, launched courses, scrapped courses you name it. I’ve battled plagiarists, racists and stalkers. All while struggling with major health issues, moving home twice and supporting my daughter with her autism.
I am no longer content with just existing. I’m not an excuse type of person anymore. I want to go places, do things and have experiences. I need to be with someone who can not only see that certain things are possible but who has the willpower to get there. Simple things like spending time together shouldn’t be treated as a major event. That’s not enough for me now. I don’t want to feel as though I am sacrificing my happiness for the luxury of carrying my partner.
It got to the point that he had dragged his feet so long and hard that the excitement had evaporated. Even if he would have conjured everything I wanted on a silver platter I no longer wanted it from him.
That aspect of my life became a waiting game. Waiting for him to commit. Waiting for when we could live together. Waiting for when our careers took off. Waiting for him to phone back. Waiting for that one night a week I would see him. Waiting for the once every 2 months he would come down here. Waiting on my ex partner was like an online delivery gone wrong.
Imagine you wake up one day and realise you really, really need something. You hop online and are ecstatic it is available but are shocked by the fact there is only one left. You race into action. You pull out your debit card, type in your details and place your order. You even pay the $10 extra for express delivery because you need the item ASAP. You just can’t contain yourself.
You wait and wait and wait for your order to arrive. The next day rolls round, nothing. The next day, also nothing. Then the weekend comes and goes. By the Monday you’re super pissed so you go down to the post office. The post office is busy as hell and you’re queuing forever. When you’re finally being served the clerk is an unhelpful asshole. Eventually, they locate your package and it turns out the delivery guy just couldn’t be arsed walking up your drive to hand it to you. You have put all of your money, energy and feelings into something so important to you just for him to act like it doesn’t even matter. Now the whole experience has been tainted and you don’t even want your shitty order anymore. It was too much time and too much effort.
One of my many talents is a freakishly natural ability to self-sabotage. If something in my life is going badly I take it out on things which could easily go well. I always take the long, hard way out.
Waiting on some form of commitment from my ex made me procracinate in my business. I know there are things I can do to make a lot of money but I didn’t want to, because there was a part of me which had to know. I had to know if he was going to step up to the plate and do what it took for us to have a life together. I didn’t want to wake up in a bed next to him knowing the only reason he was there was because my business paid for it. I had to see for myself if he wanted it enough to push as hard as I was. I practically stopped time and stood still.
The changes inside of me made realise that I didn’t have to be the martyr anymore. The waiting game was over. The hour glass ran empty.
Randomly one day a voice entered my head. It told me there were no reasons for me to sacrifice the things I wanted, if I was unhappy I had the option of leaving. Before this, I would never have even considered ending a relationship. Now, I was starting to wonder what it would be like to be with someone who actually talked to me and gave me attention. I never once cheated on my partner but once I began to notice other men were walking the earth, I knew it was over.
Wanting happiness, potentially with someone other than my ex, made me feel like a heartless bitch. I was hit with the knowledge that I didn’t really know myself or the things I was capable of.
My guilt over my relationship doubts made me question if I was really capable of committing to anything long term. My ability to just randomly lose feelings for someone after 4 years scared the shit out of me; this spilled over into my business. What if I take on too many students and let them all down? What if I one day wake up and regret my business? Am I secretly a narcissistic psychopath? Shouldn’t I be able to give my all to someone else? The constant questioning myself drove me nuts and stumped my company’s progress.
I am not looking for sympathy or pity because I honestly believe I do not deserve it. I have done things I am not proud of. Sympathy should be reserved for my ex-boyfriend, the one who is currently hurting. I left him and I directly caused the end of the relationship. Although he did things wrong, I am the one who let him think that was acceptable.
I actively participated in creating our dynamic. I was one of two architects in the relationship. I built our world. I taught him how to treat me. The ground rules were set in stone back when I didn’t ask too much of him. I am the one who changed. I moved the goal posts. I am the one who doesn’t love him so I can see it is my fault.
Years ago, if I would have read a blogpost like this one I would have thought the author was a selfish cow because I always thought the one who hurts the other is the bad one. I now realise that there’s more to it than that.
Relationships are about more than going through the motions, they’re about love. And if its not crazy, intense, and passionate it is not love, its companionship. True love can survive 4 years. People in love miss each other. Love should make your life easier.
Although I do see how the break down of the relationship was my doing I have recently been experiencing a lot of anger and resentment. I feel like I have spent nearly the last half a decade being lead on by him. Obviously, swinging between feeling content and being super pissed off at how stupid I was has affected me psychologically and this has impacted my motivation levels.
I do not morn my relationship or want my ex back. However, I recognise that, although the end was something I wanted, it was a very traumatic ordeal for me. I used up a lot of my energy harbouring the secret of how miserable I was. Now that I have experienced the release of this and am now happy, I have been very drained. Therefore, my website has suffered.
I can see now that I am badly prepared for a major crisis. I am living life week by week or day to day and do not have much in place just in case something goes wrong. Therefore, this situation has taught me that I must priorities a bit better and be more prepared.
I have plans for December and intend on catching up on work I have missed. Firstly, I will answer all of my emails. Beyond this I cannot make any promises because I might need more time to get my head together and get back into my routine of exercise and writing. I have to ensure that I am going into 2018 with a healed soul so that I can execute my new launch plan (a plan which I am already 2 months behind schedule on).
Last December, my reader Georgina told me that one year from then my life would be completely different, but that I would still have my family. Only 6 weeks ago, I thought about that prediction and how it hadn’t happened yet. Now, I can say that it has and that I do still have my family and people who matter. I am not sad anymore. I am looking forward to seeing what the rest of this year has to offer.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Till next month, Lisa xx
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